"What Do I Want?" — Navigating Hookups, Relationships, and the Space in Between as a Gay Man

Let’s be real for a second: in the world of gay hookups, it’s easy to lose sight of what you actually want. Grindr, Scruff, Hinge, IG thirst traps, even Hinge or Tinder—it’s all moving fast, full of moments that feel exciting in the moment (fleeting) but leave you feeling a little empty after.

So, ask yourself this question—What do I want?

Yes, yes, it sounds simple, I get it, I do! But for a lot of us, especially in the gay community, that question gets clouded by everything from internalized shame to the pressure to always be “chill,” “open,” or “down for whatever.” We don’t always give ourselves permission to be clear—really clear—about our desires, our limits, or even our hopes.

Here’s one way to reframe it: think of your hookup life like a relationship.

Weird? Maybe. But, chill! hear me out!

When you’re in a relationship, you (ideally) know your needs, communicate boundaries, and have some sense of safety. Even if it’s casual, there’s a mutual understanding. Why shouldn’t we approach hookups the same way?

Whether you’re looking for a one-night thing, a situationship, or just want to feel some warmth and body contact without pretending it doesn’t mean anything—you get to define the rules.

Here Are 5 Ways to Create a Process That Works for You:

1. Define What “Success” Means to You

Not every hookup needs to lead to a relationship. But what would make the experience feel good to you? Is it feeling seen, respected, and safe? Is it deep physical chemistry? There’s no wrong answer—just make sure it’s your answer.

Ask yourself: “After I leave, what would make me feel good about that experience?”If you keep feeling let down, revisit your definition of success.

2. Create (and Actually Keep) Your Boundaries

If you don’t like hosting, say no. If you’re not into certain things, you don’t need to explain why. Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re filters. They protect your energy. And they teach you how to respect yourself even more.

Write down your non-negotiables. Rehearse them. You’ll be surprised how empowering it feels to say “I’m not into that” out loud.

3. Use Apps With Intention, Not Impulse

We’ve all opened an app out of boredom (and as a Therapist, I hear this... A LOT!). But swiping when you're lonely or insecure often leads to choices that aren’t aligned with what you actually want. Hookups can feel empowering, but only when you're driving the car—not being dragged along for the ride.

Before replying “what’s up,” pause and ask yourself: “What do I need right now? Is this a want or a reflex?”

4. Check In With Yourself After

What you do after a hookup says just as much as what you do before. Take a beat and check in: Did it feel right? Did you feel respected? Or did you leave feeling disconnected from yourself?

It’s not about overthinking—it’s about gathering data. Your body and mind will tell you what works, if you’re willing to listen.

5. Don’t Let “Chill” Be a Cop-Out

The word “chill” is often code for “I don’t want to scare someone off.” But the truth is, real connection—sexual or otherwise—comes from honesty. You’re not needy for saying what you like. You’re not too much for wanting to connect.

Want to cuddle after? Say that. Want a no-strings hour? That’s fine too. Just be honest about where you’re coming from.

Here’s the truth:You’re allowed to want something real. You’re allowed to want something fun. You’re allowed to want both—or neither. The point is to stop outsourcing your desires to other people’s expectations. Hookup culture doesn’t have to feel hollow—it can feel empowering, if you approach it with your own clarity.

Start with the question:What do I want?And give yourself permission to answer that, again and again, as it changes.