“The Bottom Line on Bottom Shaming”

As a therapist who works with gay men, I often hear stories that aren’t just about relationships or sex, but about what it means to take up space in our community. One theme that shows up again and again is bottom shaming, the way our culture attaches stigma, stereotypes, and assumptions to men who identify as or are perceived as “bottoms.” And woven tightly into that is the broader question of masculinity and desirability: who gets seen as desirable, powerful, or worthy, and who gets dismissed or fetishized.

This isn’t just about bedroom dynamics. It’s about the air we breathe as gay men navigating hookup apps, bars, parties, and even our friendships. It’s about how patriarchy, social conditioning, and internalized shame show up in the most intimate corners of our lives.

So, let’s unpack that!

The Roots: Why Masculinity Gets Put on a Pedestal

From the moment we’re born, most of us are handed a script about what being a “real man” should look like: strong, stoic, dominant, athletic, emotionally restrained. This is patriarchy at work: the system that values certain kinds of masculinity and devalues everything coded as “feminine.”

In gay male culture, we inherit these same scripts, but they get remixed in ways unique to us. Instead of just “be masculine,” it often becomes “masc4masc.” Why? Because bottoming, in a patriarchal lens, is equated with receptivity, softness, vulnerability; the very traits patriarchy tells men to avoid.

So within our own community, men who embody stereotypical masculinity: muscular, bearded, assertive tops often get placed higher in the invisible hookup hierarchy. Meanwhile, men who bottom, men who are femme, men who are trans, men of color, men who don’t “perform” masculinity in a narrow way, often face layers of exclusion or fetishization.

Hookup Culture: Where the Hierarchy Shows Up Loudest

Nowhere do these dynamics become more obvious than in hookup culture. On apps, you’ll see profiles proudly declaring: “Masc only.” Or “No fems.” These little lines of text aren’t just preferences, they’re social hierarchies written in shorthand. They tell us:

• Masculinity = desirable.

• Bottoming = less worthy.

• Femininity = something to exclude or mock.

Even within hookups themselves, the scripts can feel rigid. Some men feel they must top to be desirable. Others feel shame or judgment about wanting to bottom. Some identify as versatile but downplay it, worried it’ll confuse or change how others see them.

The tragedy is that what should be playful, exploratory, and connecting often becomes a performance. Instead of asking, “What do I enjoy? What turns me on? What feels good to my body?” the question becomes, “What will make me desirable to others?”

Intersections: When Identities Collide

Of course, this isn’t just about top/bottom labels. Many identities intersect here, and history shows us why.

• Race and ethnicity: For centuries, stereotypes about race and sexuality have been used to control and define bodies. Black men, for example, have been hypersexualized as aggressive, dominant, and “naturally” virile, a harmful stereotype that translates today into assumptions that Black men should be tops. Latino men are often fetishized as “passionate” or “macho,” cast as fiery tops or submissive, sensual bottoms depending on the fantasy. These narratives are rooted in colonialism and racism, where men of color’s bodies were seen as both threatening and exotic. What looks like “preference” in hookup culture is often recycled stereotype.

• Body image: “Gym-bodied” men are assumed to be tops, while thinner, heavier, or less muscular men are pushed into bottom roles or dismissed altogether. Desire becomes policed by size and shape.

• Trans identity: Trans men and nonbinary folks often face pressure to fit into cis-centric sexual scripts that don’t align with their identities or desires. Many find themselves not just negotiating desire, but legitimacy.

• Age: Older gay men may feel boxed into archetypes: the “daddy top,” the “silver fox,” or the “passive twink who aged out.” These labels can erase individuality just as much as racial stereotypes do.

What this tells us is simple but powerful: hookup culture doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It reflects larger systems of patriarchy, racism, ageism, and body hierarchies and unless we challenge them, those dynamics will keep shaping our most intimate interactions.

Moving Toward Healing: Rewriting the Script

The good news? Scripts aren’t destiny. Just because we’ve inherited these dynamics doesn’t mean we’re stuck with them. Part of healing as a community is bringing awareness to these patterns and actively choosing something different, both in how we relate to ourselves and how we relate to others.

So, here are five things to be mindful of as you navigate hookup culture and your own desires. Think of these as tools for liberation with a cheeky twist.

1. Check Your Biases (Yes, Even the Sexy Ones)

Before you write “masc only” in your profile or swipe left on someone, pause and ask: Is this really about what turns me on, or is it about what I’ve been told is desirable? Sometimes our “preferences” are just unexamined social conditioning in disguise. Be curious, not judgmental with yourself and others.

2. Reclaim the Power of Bottoming

Let’s be real: bottoming is not passive, weak, or less-than. It requires vulnerability, communication, and trust—arguably the sexiest forms of strength. If you bottom, own it. If you top, celebrate your partners who do. And if you’re vers, congratulations: you’ve unlocked the deluxe edition of queer pleasure.

3. Expand Your Definition of Masculinity

Instead of chasing a narrow, gym-commercial version of masculinity, consider how you define it. Is it about confidence? Integrity? Humor? Emotional availability? Desire someone for how they show up, not just how they pose in a mirror selfie.

4. Name the System, Not Just the Symptom

When you notice bottom shaming or masc hierarchies, remind yourself: this is patriarchy and social conditioning at work. It’s not just about “that one rude guy on Grindr.” Seeing the system helps you take it less personally and respond with clarity rather than shame.

5. Bring Pleasure Back to the Center

At the end of the day, sex is supposed to be fun. So instead of asking, “Am I desirable enough?” try asking, “Am I enjoying this?” What lights you up, makes you laugh, makes you melt? Desire isn’t a competition; it’s an invitation. Say yes to what feels good in your body not just what looks good on paper.

The Bottom Line

Here it is, in plain truth: the bottom line on bottom shaming is that your position never defines your worth. Desire, pleasure, and connection are bigger than any label, stereotype, or hierarchy. When you step into your body, own your choices, and celebrate yourself: whether you top, bottom, or go full vers, you’re already breaking the rules that shame tried to set. And that? That is power.

Go forth and play. Not to fit in. Not to be seen as “desirable.” But to be exactly who you are: shame-free, pleasure-first, and wholly irresistible.